Move towards your people

Hey!! It has been a little bit since I’ve been able to sit down with my computer and let my fingers tell you my thoughts. My January got away from me a bit. I was needed at my job that I actually get paid for a bit more, so between that and my family, and my people, my computer has just sat on my counter most days. I have looked longingly at it a few times, but today is my first Saturday with nowhere to be and no pressing plans besides maybe a grocery store run.

So here I am.

As I sit here, I am wondering, what is most pressing in my brain. What have I been talking to my people about? What have my sweet man and I been discussing? What has been moving me closer to God and to my people? And I feel like a theme that I have been talking about a lot is relationships. Not just marriages, but friendships, co-workers.

A couple of years ago, I heard about a personality test called the Enneagram. It is an ancient test, with it’s origins found in the Jesuit community. It is a system of personality typing that describes nine patterns of how people conceptualize the world and manage their emotions. It is a test that can be simple or super, super deep if you want to take it that far. In it’s simple form, it helps you find how you manage your world on “the inside”. How you respond in health and security and how you respond when you are unhealthy and not feeling secure.

To cut to the chase I did a few tests and got the wrong number a couple times, but then I listened to a podcast by my favorite podcaster, Annie F. Downs, (Episode 53) as she interviewed Beth McCord, of Your Enneagram Coach, and when she described the Enneagram 9, I knew I had my number. I felt understood in a weird way.

I finally conned Wade into taking the test on a roadtrip one afternoon, and we quickly discovered how different we think and respond to life as it goes on around us. He was not as quickly convinced of the accuracy as I was, but I was all in to start some experiments. Haha!!

One thing I realized is that when Wade and I would deal with everyday normal life problems, we are very different. His initial reaction is hyper awareness of anything that might cause disconnection or rejection. My initial reaction is to panic at the loss of peace and run away from anything that doesn’t feel calm and peaceful. (Ha, so basic, everyday life…..my initial reaction is to run away. Super, duper not healthy!) You will find Wade going to a worst case scenario so that he is at least aware of the worst things that could go wrong and he can deal with it if it does happen. I, on the other hand, won’t even allow my mind to go there, because that doesn’t fit into my little “peace bubble”. So, when you put the two of us together, me a runner from tension and him, one who needs to feel connection in tension, it didn’t always go well. For a long time in our marriage, we realized this, but didn’t know how to put words to it or fix it, and the Enneagram helped that.

So, knowing that I am the only one in charge of my own decisions, I made the effort to go towards my husband when I felt tension rather than away from him. I noticed that when he was just having a bad day, my initial reaction is to do whatever I could to avoid him, because tension. Yuck. That whole fight or flight instinct would have me flying away from him crazy fast. I would go read a book, I would start cleaning something, go grocery shopping. In other words, I would do anything I could to keep the peace in my mind and not deal or help with whatever was going on with my sweet man. (Once again, super un-helpful!)

I began to choose to move in and hug him, or to at least be near him. I began to choose to engage in conversation. I decided to choose to not run. And I started to notice a shift in how we were connecting. It was better. And I wasn’t as afraid of the tension and awkwardness anymore. And oftentimes, just moving towards my husband when he was feeling tension, gave him the peace to deal with it and move away from it himself. It ended up being easier than I thought it would be. Slightly groundbreaking.

Actually,

It was amazingly groundbreaking.

It was working in my marriage, so I started putting this into action in my other relationships, too. With my kids, with my family, with my friends. When I feel tension, rather than moving further away from them, I make a move towards them. I send the text. I seek them out.

It’s not always reciprocated in the tension. Not in every relationship. Sometimes, people want to be mad and they choose that. Sometimes people are just plain busy and that has to be ok. That isn’t about me. It’s not. Sometimes, if I feel like it’s been a long time between points of connection in a friendship and I reach out, it’s not always reciprocated, and I have to be ok with that. That often means that friendship may be a “not right now” kind of friendship, and that happens.

In my family, I handle things a bit differently. With my kids, I make purposeful moves towards them, and let me tell you, that is not always easy with teenagers. Most of the time, I want to slam a door to express how mad or hurt that I am and to make them feel shame and guilt about how they might be acting. Instead, I try really hard to just walk out of the room after I moved towards connection and give them the space to re-connect in a way that feels safe to them. And they always do, because connection is important to them, too.

With my hubby, we have learned a lot together and we don’t allow a lot to come between us anymore. We are both on the same page (most of the time!), fighting for the same thing. For each other, for our marriage. For God to be glorified through our connection. I try hard to purposely move towards him in conflict and tension, and he understands me more, also. He understands that I might need a bit of time to process my thoughts and feelings and to come back to him ready to process all the things. He works to understand that that isn’t a rejection of him, but that is how I am able to get back to connection fully.

So this is my encouragement.

Move towards your people. Put yourself out there. Trust them and risk the awkwardness. Risk rejection. It might just save your marriage, your friendship, your relationship. Don’t give up on your people.

Also, just to make sure you know this.

This applies to your relationship with God also.

I think many of us are runners from God when we feel shame or guilt. The Bible says that he is just waiting for us to move towards him. He is there, it is us who aren’t. Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask, and it will be given to you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you.” So talk to God. Say “Hi”. Open your Bible. Reconnect. He is just waiting for you.

I love you my friends. Talk to you soon.